It didn’t happen in one day.
Now I understand it. I’m not the same person as I was even 6 month ago.
The reason why I started to think about it now is actual results and visible changes in my behavior, habits, way of thinking and even my haircut.
So what happened?
– I reduced my meat consumption – now I eat it less than once a week.
– From eating all the time out I moved to cooking almost the meals at home.
– I started to exercise on regular basis: swimming, running, cycling, yoga.
– I quit smoking. Not the first time, but this time it feels like a real deal.
– My apartment always clean and organized, I mean almost always.
– Now I’m reading much more, almost like in pre-military period.
– Working a lot on my new hobby – photography.
– And the most recent – I cut my hair after having a ponytail for more than 4 years.
And these are just most noticeable things that changed about me. I don’t even start to talk how my worldview is changed. The way I interact with people, how I deal with my emotions, how I able to organize my thoughts, the goals that I put for myself, the way I face challenges and disappointments. The list is long..
Maybe I just grew up or simply conformed to the society? Clearly I still have a lot of childish elements in my personality. And if in some ways I started to behave in more socially acceptable manner, then in others I moved even further away from being understood by society’s standards.
I think probably I finally learned to live in this crazy world without anger, or at least started my way there. What’s for sure I’m not an immature rebel anymore, now I almost know what to do.
How did it happen?
Probably coming to work in the states almost 2 years ago, far away from my family and friends in completely different culture has a lot what to do with that. Or maybe it’s living by myself for the first time in my life? Going through few very interesting, highly important relationships and for the first time being truly emotionally open? Also meeting new friends, having meaningful job, traveling around and seeing new cultures most likely has something to do with that?
Or maybe it’s even earlier – studying human behavior and structure of the world in university, backpacking in Asia, living with roommates in a student apartment, having night lifestyle, volunteering in various organizations that are trying to make our society better, serving in the military, living in kibbutz, moving to Israel at age 15, meeting lovely family that I’ve never seen before because I grew up in different country, being introduced to my Jewish identity, being raised by loving and very wise parents, brother, grandparents and other family members in Ukraine, having a dog since age 9 (that just recently passed away), being evident to the collapse of one of the biggest empires in history and going through the difficulties of the transition time.
What exactly brought me where I’m right now?
I believe it will take a long time for me to understand.